Heavy Boots

8-18-11

"Maybe it's the fact that I've known since the beginning that Monday would have to come eventually or maybe it's the fact that I've wished it wouldn't have to everyday since then.  Maybe it's the way the thunder storms have kept me up every night this week or maybe it's just a relief that I'm too afraid to realize; Have you ever wondered if the fear of being alone is worse than the actual loneliness?

Well, for whatever reason, I was afraid and felt very much forgotten in those fears.  So when he said, "I understand" I didn't believe him, because, really, how could he possibly feel and know all of the fear and hope and love and loss that consumes my every thought?  When he said, "I understand" it hurt.  And when he said, "I understand" I wondered if such a blatant, insincere lie tasted bitter on his lips."


8-29-11

Have you ever sat with a group of strangers and wondered about all of the billions of things that you don't know about them?  You may know their name, possibly where they're from, and based off a split second of judgment you've probably picked up a few superficial, insignificant details that probably aren't true, but, what about everything else?

What about their first love, or that time they realized that everything doesn't go as planned, or why they aren't as happy as they could be? What about those defining moments? 

Forget the group of strangers, what about your best friend?  How much do you really KNOW about them?  Do you know what they're most afraid of?  Do you know what makes them smile bigger than anything else?  What about those times that they were hurt or embarrassed?  Have you ever asked?  Do you think they'd tell you?

It's alarming how many disposable details we appreciate and what little attention we pay to the things that actually matter.  So much of what we "know"  is assumed and so little of what we "know" is sincere.


8-18-11, agian.

"... and I sit there thinking again, and I smile because not one of them knows.  Chances are, not one of them ever will.  They don't know I was late because I was crying and waiting for my tears to dry.  They'll never realize how incredibly alone I feel right now.  Even if they did know, I'm not sure that I'd try and explain because I'm not sure anyone could ever understand and I'm too afraid that they wouldn't to try."


8-29-11, agian.

The truth is, I had a whole post planned about how the phrase, "I understand" is the most frequently told lie.  I had a whole post planned about how superficial and ignorant we are.  I had a whole post planned about how we really are alone.

Yet, here I am, ten days later, and I'm thinking again. 

And I'm thinking that the real truth is, "I understand" is the most frequently told hope.  I think we really do understand, or at least we want to.  We all want someone to relate with, even if it's just so we know that we aren't completely crazy. Maybe the real dilemma isn't that we're alone, maybe it's that we are just too afraid to admit that we're human. We're all so worried about making friends and fitting in and being something we're supposed to be that we aren't honest about what we really are. 

Now go back to the billions of things you don't know. To the billions of things you were either too selfish, or too self-consious, or too scared to ask.  Go back to all of the experiences never documented and secrets never told.  There is more loneliness, and love, and heart ache out there than we could ever possibly know.  How, then, could we be so vain as to think we are ever alone in this vast universe?

I got a letter from someone I admire very much a couple of weeks ago and in it she said this, "... Your words were so delicatly honest and I believe that you can reach and relate to many people with that." 

The key is sincerity, let people in and you'll realize you're never really alone.



I understand.

-Linds.