The Light.

The Words They Gave:

Even

After

All this time

The sun never says 

To the earth

“You owe me.”

Look

What happens 

With a love like that

It lights the 

Whole

Sky.

-Hafiz

“We are unusual,

and tragic, and alive.”

-Dave Eggers

If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I’ll bet they’d live life a lot differently.

“There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, ‘yes, I’ve got dreams, of course I’ve got dreams.’ Then they put the box away and bring it out once in a while to look in it, and yep, they’re still there.  These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box.  It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, ‘How good or how bad am I?’  That’s where courage comes in.”

-Erma Louise Bombeck

“When so many are lonely, as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone.”

-Tennessee Williams

“There are several ways to react to being lost.  One is to panic.  Another is to abandon yourself to lostness, to allow the fact that you’ve misplaced yourself, to change the way you experience the world.”

-Her Fearful Symmetry

“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and the patience for the small ones.  and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace.  God is still awake.”

-Victor Hugo

“I looked at her, and knew as clearly as I know I am to die. that I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth or hoped for anywhere else.”

-Lolita

“Im going to make everything around me beautiful-- that will be my life.”

-Elsie De Wolfe.

I was reading through my little box of happy today, when I found this:

“ March 18, 2011

  Sometimes I wonder, after one billion years, if any of my thoughts are original. If anything I think is actually a new, one-of-a-kind, Lindsey original.  And I quickly conclude, nope, probably not. 

But, to be honest, I’ve always thought it was more brilliant coming from me."

  And I guess that’s why I write.  You take one adjective on a string and tie it to a noun and somewhere in-between you whisper, “I love you.” and that somehow makes it all ok again.
  
And I write because my world has crashed and it’s been beaten and bruised and left crying alone in the corner. 


And I write because somewhere in that empty, cold space, at some point in time in all that loneliness, I wanted to know that there was still hope somewhere.  And in that bleak abyss it seemed my only escape was to cry out and share that darkness with you.  


Not so you would embrace the fear but so your words could abolish it.  
So that you could say, “Hey now, come here.  Come here, into the light, come here.”  
So that you could say, “I know it’s dark and I know it’s hard, but if you’d just jump one star over you’d feel it, the sunshine I mean, and be happy again.”  


And it’s your words that lead me home again.  


And to me it doesn’t matter if I ever say one original word again.  To me, it doesn’t matter at all.  Because there has been more heart ache in this world then I could ever possibly comfort.  There has been more love than I could ever fully express.  There has been more happiness than I could ever possibly gratify.  And it’s funny because there are more words than I could ever possibly say, and even if I said them all, it still wouldn’t satisfy you.  

And when it all comes down at the end of my life, after all my words have been spent, you’ll all only have really needed to hear one thing:

You are not alone.  I’m here, I understand, and I love you.

Ah, you know that’s right.

-Linds

my whole heart

We went to the mountains, in the winter.  It’s January, and the people’s latest complaint has been for the lack of snow, but it’s there.  All it takes is a few yards of mountain, and you’ll find it.  


We walked, and I looked at the stream: the ice and the ripples in the water.  There was just enough snow to turn my nose pink and place goosebumps on my forearms.  


The trees were so tall, and I had to look all the way up to that forewarning sky, full of pink and orange clouds, just to see their tops.  All their leaves had fallen-- excluding a few who refused to let go... and I wondered if perhaps it was in fear of leaving the only life they had ever known.  I’m still amazed by how beautiful they had looked; how strong and faithful they seemed even through the dead of winter.  Even amidst their darkest nights, they clung on. 


We walked over a worn bridge and down a ways to the waterfall; it looked like an ice castle.  There were icicles, and the sun shown down into that little canyon.  My eyes were again drawn to the ripples in the water as it rushed down the little hill, seamlessly.  


And as we looked back I couldn’t help but to think, “If this isn’t nice then I don’t know what is.”* And we talked about the mountains, and I thought about the sunshine as he walked with me.


And I guess all I’m really wondering is, when was the last time a moment was so beautiful that you paused to thank God for it?


-Linds

*Kurt Vonnegut has the most beautiful words.

that’s just me, before we met

They asked for a biographical sketch, to which I replied:  
I was born in Casper, Wyoming, but Utah is my real home.  I enjoy basketball and AP calculus.  Writing is an imperative pastime, and football games with the family are, too.  I like to hike the G with my friends, and sometimes I go to Las Vegas on vacation.      


All of which is accurate, verifiable,... true. 


But it felt cliche, counterfeit,... fake.


I guess it’s just hard for me to define myself in 300 words or less, and this is probably what I should have said:


My name is Lindsey, I am seventeen years old.  And the truth is, I care about people and the way the sun shines through the clouds each evening a lot more than the grade I'll get on my biology test tomorrow.  


My name is Lindsey, and I’ve spent countless nights lying in the bed of my truck looking for something in that vast sea of stars.  Sometimes when I look at the moon it makes me want to cry it's so beautiful, but i've never shed as many tears in the moonlight as I have while reading over people's sincere words.  


My name is Lindsey, and I believe in love; it is the only thing that has ever given me true, enduring joy.  I believe in people, too; they are the only thing that keeps bringing that love to me. 


My name is Lindsey, and I’m afraid of the future.  I’m afraid of change and the unknown, but I’m mostly afraid of missing you when i leave.  I'm afraid of forgetting. 


My name is Lindsey, and someone once told me the future is as bright as your faith. I’ve been looking up ever since.  
Then, just when I was about to give in to that pounding in my head, she said, “the ones who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who actually do.” I’ve been crazy ever since.  


My name is Lindsey. I bite my nails, I have one million split ends, and I've never once had a tan.  Sometimes I forget my drivers license on my mantle, and sometimes I forget to bite my tongue.  


My name is Lindsey, and I say silent prayers of thanks sometimes because my life is just too beautiful, and I have the most beautiful friends. 

My name is Lindsey.  I am sometimes alone, and I'm sometimes scared, but I like to think that one day I'll change things.  Maybe not the whole world, maybe just his smile, but I like to think that one day that’ll be enough.


-Linds 
  

"And So It Goes"

 (Via)

Life's just so busy sometimes, and I'm tired.  
And I just need one second.


Give me one second to breath, to love, to cry.  One second to read that note; one second to notice those wandering stars.  One second to say, "I Love You."  One second to listen.


Because I'm certain all I need is just one second to blink, and it'd all slow down again.  Maybe if I just had one second to breath I could remember why I'm lying here smiling in the first place.  Just give me one second, please, one second to remember how beautiful this one second has been.    


Give me one second to remember what it's like to be young. Just one second to remember, please, and I swear I'll never forget what it means to be infinite.  

"You can breath, 

 You can breath, now.

 You can breath, but the air is running out."

 (Jack's Mannequin)

-Linds

Daylight is My Theme Song

Two years ago today, I went to a party for a girl I hardly knew at all.  It snowed hard, just like today; we walked down the streets throwing snowballs, and we ate ice cream cones at Macey's.  


Two years ago today, I met my very best friend.

I propose a toast,

Here's to our highly advanced taste in music and our superior bass catching skills. 

Here's to eating apples in Van Dijk's class, tres leche at Cafe Rio, orange chicken at Panda, and that awful Frosted Mini Wheats + Peanut Butter combo; here's to a friendship that's been based way too heavily around food.

Here's to three car crashes and one million crazy dance parties.

Here's to 731 days of being best friends.

Now how's about seven-hundred and thirty-one more?  

I'll drink to that

-Linds

Thank You For Breathing

Do you remember that night we road scooters down the canyon and then we left?  We said goodbye, and we just left for what seemed to be forever.  And I know it's rather anti-climactic now, since I talk to her almost everyday, but I was terribly afraid... and you were always there.  

And now I'm just terribly afraid that I never had the chance to thank you.  

Forgive Me?

-Linds

only threehundredandsixtyfivedays away

One year from now, I hope to be here once again--lying on my light green bedspread, looking at the Christmas lights that hang above my window--thinking about who I've become.

I hope then to look in the mirror just to tell myself once more that God knew exactly where He was taking me all along.

I hope that I'll look at my hair since grown and my countenance since brightened just to realize what I've always had a hard time believing--even my happiest days will get happier.

I hope to look back on twenty-twelve with such love and gratitude toward who I've become and all of the people who've made me that way.  I hope that I'm still listening to Noah and the Whale because of the way they make my heart beat a little slower.  I hope that my smile is just as wide and that I don't lose too much of the person I've become.  Except maybe the way I bite my nails when I'm nervous or the way I sometimes forget to say, I love you.  

Yes, I hope to be better, greater, smarter, kinder, but I like who I am, too.  I like the way I see the moon and the stars shining in the sky at night.  I like the way I feel close to people even when I don't really know them. And I don't think I could bare to lose that.

I hope to look and smile at the person I've become.  

Til then, I'll savor every smile and tear and breath I get this year.  Sitting here, thinking, I'm already filled with an overwhelming excitement toward my future.  And despite the astonishing amount of tears, and goodbyes, and, "I will remember you forever's" I see in my near future, I know I'm so incredibly blessed to feel this way.  

I expect tears and an ache in my stomach when I leave you, because, really, you're the only life I've ever known and you've been good to me.  My God has been good to me.

And I guess as long as I really believe that I have to believe that He'll take care of tomorrow, too.  And I guess when you really begin to believe that, there's no more room for fear. 

Cheers.

-Linds